Starting to Get the Hang of Things

Nap time has only been going on for five minutes and all four of the kids are already sleeping. All eyes closed. No talking. Peace.

They each have their own stuffed animal. They each have the blanket they want. Each in their respective beds.

The windows are open, but the curtains are shut. The breeze flows in while the sun stays out.

And, of course, they have been bribed with being able to eat mangoes if they all go to sleep well, but hey...they're sleeping.

In the morning, the boys now get to listen to music on my phone if they actually get out of bed and take showers without complaining or being lazy. And now, we look at the "News in Pictures" every morning, but only if they get up fast enough. Surprisingly, we get ready much quicker.

When the kids aren't in school, we usually just let them play around, but recently, we've been trying to do a few more structured activities like relay races, leap frog, and musical chairs, which occupies them a lot better.

Playing Musical Chairs in the Backyard

In our Spanish class, Josh (the other volunteer) bought pizza for the winning team (we've been playing a review game fairly often over the past few weeks). And last week, I promised the class that I'd buy pizza for anyone that got an A on their exam that they have this week.

Most of the students know me now, and always ask me where my coffee is...pretty sad that even if by Nicaraguan standards, I'm still seen as the coffee addict. This morning, I was able to preach to all 300 students about my three milestones, and since I knew most of their names, I was able to make it interactive and more engaging. Thank God for that!

For dinner, I've been helping the cook prepare all of the food (which also means that I get to eat a bunch of stuff as I prepare...the mangos here are amazing). And in addition to learning how to cut mangos, make fruit juices, and fry bananas, I've been able to have some really fruitful conversations in Spanish. The cook knows very little English, which has allowed me to really get better at communicating in Spanish.

Usually, when we go to church on Sunday nights (the Spanish-speaking church), I have absolutely no idea what is being said, but yesterday, I actually was able to recognize most of the songs. And for the first time, I actually understood the entire sermon, which is awesome because now I actually understand what's going on!

I've had a lot of free time during my time here, but recently I've started trying with the marketing for New Hope Children's Foundation. Right now, I'm starting a facebook page for them where I'll be putting up pictures of all of the kids, and hopefully, will be able to start filming some videos! Be sure to like the page! Although, I will warn that over the next week, I'll be putting up a lot of pictures.

And finally, at night, when I put the boys to bed, we have exactly 15 minutes for them to get changed into their pajamas, and any time left over is used for reading them a story. Every night, we seem to have more and more time to read. :) thankfully, we have some longer books here, which allows most nights to end with somewhat of a "cliffhanger" which gives them more motivation for getting changed faster the following night. Like tonight, we will finally find out if Winnie the Pooh actually saw a Heffalump or if it was just a dream. And after reading, we've started praying together, which has proved really fruitful.

And after the whole day is over, I've made time for prayer, journaling, and reading, which has been more than a blessing.

All in all, I'm definitely starting to get the hang of things here. :)

Considering Abandoning the Faith?

Doubt...yeah, that's always been such a fun thing to deal with. 

It's not something that's new...it's always been around. And as I mentioned in that milestone, doubt is probably something I struggle with the most.

These constant periods of 1-3 days when we lose faith in God, when we want to do something our way, when we would rather sin, rather lift ourselves up than others up, rather lift ourselves up than Him up. Why can't I just go make a bunch of money and spend it all on myself? Why can't I just do what I want to do? These thoughts usually stem from the self, as all sin does.

When something like this happens, you want help. You want to return to the faith, and you want to be convinced. Yet at the same time, you don't want to ruin anyone else's faith by talking to them. However, eventually, you get around to it, you attend a church service, a bible study, a devotional...and you find faith in God...doubt is frequent, but pretty simple to overcome.

However, I wouldn't describe the past two weeks as a doubting of the faith as much as an abandoning of the faith. It wasn't that I was mad at God and didn't want to deal with something. It wasn't that I had some selfish thing that Christ wouldn't approve of.

It wasn't that I hated a part of Christianity.

The problem was that I realized how much I loved it. I realized how much I would miss if I ever left the faith. 

That sense of community? Of people constantly praying over you? Holding you accountable? That's hard to find outside of the church. 

That sense of unity? Like when I went to Passion in January with 65,000 other college students that I didn't know and praised the same God? When I meet a random person on a plane who shares the faith and suddenly we can talk about anything? 

That sense of belonging? Being a part of something bigger than yourself? Knowing that some guy-in-the-sky has your back? 

That sense of security? Knowing that you don't have to worry about anything? That you won't have to fear anything?

Community...Unity...Belonging...Security...so many wonderful things, but if I'm only a Christian because of these benefits, only a Christian because it's what I grew up with, only a Christian because that's what my friends are, than something is wrong, and I'm not being real and honest. 

I need to be a Christian because I believe in Christ. Yes. It is that simple. 

Anyway, suggestions for people considering abandoning the faith?

1. Get your thoughts out.

Have a journal. Record your voice. Start a Word document. You need to get your thoughts out, or you are not going to be able to process anything, nor be able to see how you've changed day to day.

2. Talk to people about it.

Sometimes, getting your thoughts out in a journal is not enough because you are still the only one that knows. Finally making the decision to tell someone your thoughts makes an unbelievable difference. It takes the weight of your shoulders...it doesn't have to be a Christian, it doesn't have to be an agnostic, it doesn't have to be an atheist. And in reality, it's more important to tell people of different backgrounds in a situation like this. 

3. Ask for prayers.

This one seems kind of one-sided and definitely more on the "this will convince you of Christianity" side, but you're doubting...you're not sure if you are a Christian, and you don't just want to be told reasons why you should be. Asking for prayers, if God exists, can have enormous effects. And if God doesn't exist, it has almost no effect...meaning...it only pulls you towards faith if faith is true.

4. Don't fake it.

This is probably the worst thing that you can do. Don't "pray" with others if you are not actually praying. Don't lead worship if you're just playing it like any other song. Don't attend church services if you're just going to sit there and say "I don't believe any of this" to yourself the whole time. Don't pretend that you have faith when you don't. That's like being a lukewarm Christian...God wants you hot and fully in the faith or cold and fully out of the faith. And this one makes sense by secular standards as well...

5. Take a frickin' break.

Lastly, take a day off. This one obviously helped me out the most. I stopped praying, stopped reading the Bible, stopped worshipping, stopped thinking about God, stopping pondering religion and atheism...all of it. And as my wonderful great aunt suggested, whenever a thought about any of that comes into a play, start singing a song and get the thought of your head.

I was in a position where I felt like I was trapped inside a box called Christianity, that I was tricking myself into believing something that I didn't believe in so I wouldn't have to go outside that box, so I wouldn't have to be open-minded...

But as that same aunt said, believing in Christ does not put you in a box, it's what frees you. Christ is freedom.

And I wasn't feeling free...I was seeing church as an obligation...and that's the complete opposite of what Christ wants.

I'm glad to be back.

My Hands Are Dirty

I walk back to my room in the dark of the night after another evening devotional with the kids and other volunteers, slowly making my way amidst the dense fog. I pass through the gated door to my room...the rain still trickling from the gutter as I quietly sing "Grace Like Rain". But although my mouth confesses the feelings of grace, I feel far from it.

The pastor's voice still ringing in my head...

"It's like we're putting on a happy face when we are actually struggling....you know what I mean, Jake?" 

Coincidence? Conviction?

Yet another day goes by full of laziness, and even if the girls were not constantly declaring,"Jake siempre está cansado." (Jake is always tired), it would have been fairly easy to tell that I wasn't getting enough sleep.

It's not that I was too busy or staying up too late. It's that I couldn't sleep. I was up night after night thinking.

After tossing and turning in my bed for an hour or so, I finally turn on my laptop to read some blogs and ease my mind. The computer starts up and my desktop picture shows:

The Cross...Love...Titus 3:3-7...words that continually pierce my heart.

But now they pierce in a different way...

It's not like I wasn't prepared for any of this...it started back in May when that same good friend pictured above spoke of words we all needed to hear:

"Putting on [a] face is like putting on shoes. We think it's helping. We think others can't see our dirty and gross looking feet. But they are still there. They don't go away because we wear shoes."

Then, that other woman of God gave some amazing advice:

"I think it starts with this: no more hiding. I need to be honest about myself and the places where I fall short with myself and the community that I am investing in. This way, transformation can happen in my heart and I can continue to grow."

And finally, just shortly before the "piercing" changed, a guest blogger proclaimed the truth:

"On a given Sunday, when the depression was suffocating, [my wife] armed herself with honesty and went to church... 

 'If people ask me how I am doing, I’m going to tell them,' [she said.] 

She answered each, 'How are you?' with a candid, 'Not well. I’m depressed. Will you pray for me?'"

Again and again, we're told to be real, present, candid with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet, we continually act like nothing is wrong...we resist vulnerability. It affects our pride. It can ruin our image. It can ruin our identity. It can ruin our reputation.

I closed my laptop, confused and angered by the sight of the picture.

It pierced in a different way...because I didn't believe it anymore. 
I couldn't go to sleep...because I didn't believe it anymore.
I couldn't find peace...because I didn't believe it anymore.

I couldn't bring myself to find faith in the Cross, in Christ, in Church...I just didn't have faith...

But what was worse was that I kept the secret inside. Again and again, the opportunity presented itself for me to confide in someone, for me to open up, for me to be vulnerable.

But I still resisted...because that's what we do. We like doing things our way.

And the following morning, after another night of little sleep, I open my laptop to see a different picture:

A call to present our dirty hands, to present our real selves. So yes, my hands are dirty, and for the past week and a half, I have struggled with my belief in God, but I finally opened up. I finally reached out...I stopped telling lies.

And since I´m trying not to tell lies...

I can´t honestly say that my faith has fully returned, but since I opened up to one person, it's gotten amazingly better.

And as I open up my Bible this morning, truth springs forth...

And tomorrow morning, I plan to go to morning prayer for the first time in quite a while. Yeah, it's at 5am, but I have my dear sister in Christ's words in the back of my head...and I know I'll get up.

Your continual prayers are immensely appreciated.

Peace in the Moment

And to You, Almighty Father, I send up nothing but Gratitude and Praise, thanking You for my day, for the gift of this weather, the children, this summer, this opportunity, and every opportunity that I have to be more like Christ and to see more of Christ in others. You continually remind me of Your Immense Love, Mercy, and Grace with the daily downpour of rain. And I ask You, Creator of All, to continually strengthen me, discipline me, and carry me, so that I may first and foremost grow closer to you by seeking the Kingdom of Heaven.

Emily, with a no-sass status

After breakfast, I walk outside and feel the sun screaming down my neck, reminding me that I should have put sunscreen on yesterday...but I kind of laugh it off, and see it as a reminder of my dependence on God.

I played outside with them for quite some time, giving well over a hundred piggy back rides, airplane rides, and lifts through the monkey bars. With messing around with kids, jumping over numerous walls due to doors being locked, and playing basketball with the students after I'm done teaching, it seems that staying in shape, or more so, getting into shape, won't be a problem while I'm here.

My biggest problem of the morning was being put into timeout by Emily (a girl with the most unique, obnoxious, and life-giving laugh you'll ever hear...and sadly some sass comes along with that laugh) and Yelka (a little girl who loves to yell at me in such a quick voice that I can't make out what I'm being yelled at for). Anyway, I was put in timeout for some reason (who honestly knows?) and was continually threatened that if I moved at all, they would bring over a frog to "eat my feet for his lunch". Needless, to say, play time in the morning lasted quite a while.

Then, we had lunch, which is always my favorite time of the day, followed by nap time, which can either be an enormous success or an absolute failure. Today, I really needed help.

Five children have to go down for a nap every day, and as you can imagine, it's hard to get all five kids to get to bed on time. You usually have two of the five kids actually being willing to go to bed, and then three kids that refuse, and obviously, that quickly turns into all five kids refusing. Time after time, you'll tell them to go to bed, but when you have five intelligent kids that can somehow carry on three different conversations at the same time, it's pretty hard to stop all three.

Yesterday, the kids went to bed so easily; within five minutes, they all went to bed. But today, they just weren't having it. I started getting angry, frustrated, exhausted, trying and trying to get these kids to go to bed, trying every technique that I knew: the silent treatment, the nice treatment, the firm treatment, the gratitude treatment...they had all failed me. 

There was practically nothing else for me to do, so I prayed...which looking back, I probably should have done a lot sooner. And I not only prayed, but I thought of all the other people praying for me.

It's almost cliche to tell someone that's going through a hard time that your thoughts and prayers are with them, and if I'm being honest, I know I've said the phrase numerous times myself, without continuing forth with my promise.

However, shortly before taking off to Nicaragua, I had the blessed opportunity to visit with my great aunt, a devoted and humble woman of God that I respect greatly. Instead of telling me that she would be praying for me, she made a pledge to God before me that she would pray for me every single day. And it wasn't a simple pledge...it was a pledge with meaning, with love, with care. And it really hit me...she's going to be praying for me every day? I have something tangible that I can hold on to...something that will help get me through the days. And when I can't find the words to express what I'm feeling to God, I can rely on those prayers.

So thank you to my great aunt that prays for me every morning...

Thank you to the wonderful coffee shop friend that has randomly facebook messaged me numerous times over the past year to tell me she's praying for me...

Thank you to the close sister in Christ that randomly texts me bible verses and can change my day in a second...

Thank you to the neighbor from down the street, who I´m pretty sure I haven´t send more than a hello to, for the kind words and prayers...
Thank you to the wonderful friend who always seems to follow my blog without me knowing and sends prayers my way...
Thank you to my amazing friend for continually emailing and checking up on me out of the blue, helping me to look towards Christ...
Thank you to that friend´s mom, who warmly and generously went above and beyond by giving me a devotional that I read every morning...

Your prayers, thoughts, and actions are all appreciated more than you know, continually giving me Strength to overcome the past, Peace in the moment, and Hope for the future.

Leo

And lastly, thank you to the children of New Hope´s orphanage...as crazy and wild as you are during nap times, you continually bring me Joy.

Seeking that Personal Prayer

We arrived in Tel Aviv, Israel in the middle of the night and took a long bus ride to Tantur Institute. I was pleasantly surprised by how much different Israel was than how I had originally thought that it would be. It seemed so much more modern than I thought it would be, yet still much more ancient than I thought it would be, which doesn't really make sense....but that's what I felt.

Tantur is right outside of Bethlehem, up on a hill. Expecting some small building, I was amazed to find a fairly large campus. However, with only having about three hours before we had to wake up for Mass the following morning, I didn't really have the time to explore yet.

I awoke to my early morning alarm, thankfully free of jet lag, most likely due to the excitement of the day. I was given a single to stay at while rooming at Tantur, and the bright sun shone through the curtains.

I opened up the back porch window, stepping out into the 80°F weather...coming from South Bend's 30°F weather, this was absolutely wonderful. After a quick shower and a delightful breakfast, we stepped into the front courtyard at Tantur for morning prayer. We only had a short time before we had to walk over to Bethlehem for mass, but praying with Bethlehem in the background was quite an experience.

Morning prayer was not something that I was used to...even attending a Catholic grade school, morning prayer was never something that I have experienced. Coming from a faith community on campus that usually doesn't practice pre-written prayer, I had to make quite an adjustment. I found myself desperately seeking the time to pray what I was feeling at the moment.

As we took turns reciting different parts out of our prayer books, I looked out on the giant wall separating Israel and Palestine beyond the wall of Tantur. In the same light, I felt this wall between God and I when praying morning prayer.

Even surrounded by devoted Christians who I looked up to, I struggled to make that connection. Even with this spiritual community, even with this pilgrimage group, my heart desired personal prayer.

Last night, I went out to Steak N Shake with a few friends from ISI, and before our meal, we joined our hands in prayer, thanking God for the wonderful time together this past year and our many blessings...but I still found myself seeking that personal prayer. I didn't want to stop praying, didn't want to stop communicating with God...I wanted to talk about everything else that was going on.

Instead of thinking that the prayer was too short, that the prayer is pre-written and not personal, that only one person in the group is praying...I think I need to look more inwardly and realize that prayer in these settings is meant to be communal. Our faith lives, although personal, are also meant to be experienced in community, in relationship with one another...even God is in constant relationship with Himself.

I should be seeing this as a conviction of a need for more personal prayer, of more personal time with Christ.  In communal prayer, we're uniting together under one prayer, whether pre-written or spoken with one person, and regardless of how long the prayer is, we are communicating with Christ.

Both personal and communal prayer are necessary for a vibrant faith life, and for me, the prior is definitely lacking. I'm currently going through Bill Hybels's Too Busy Not to Pray, and so far, it's bearing some great fruit in my life. Sometimes I so easily forget that we can approach God alone, but we can. And that...is awesome.