Wrestling Yahweh

One time, while talking with a friend, I remember him mentioning that he felt like his walk with God is this constant, complacent, not really good, not really bad, walk...no major ups or downs. For me, it could not be farther from the truth...it's a constant cycle with spiritual "highs" and spiritual "lows"...moments of very close connection with God and moments very far away.

Last semester, I was studying Management and Theology...Theology was useful in the "highs" and Management was useful in the "lows". From working at the Career Center at my school, I am well aware of the advantages of double majoring with something like Theology...how unique it makes you, how it tends to show you as an ethical person, how it shows you think about a lot of stuff. Even in these moments where I wasn't sure where I would be in my faith over the next ten years, I was still able to justify a lot of my decisions. I know I have pretty good business skills, and if I chose to actually go down the path of financial "success", it would be possible.

But earlier this semester, after a lot of discernment, after I dropped out of the Business College and made Theology my sole major, I put a major obstacle in the path of financial "success". I no longer had a place to run to...because my "high" self had made a decision that my "low" self wouldn't. I couldn't run away from God.

I had decided upon these three milestones:

God Is Important
God Wants All of Me
God Is Real

So how do these milestones affect my walk with Christ?

This year, I'm taking a class entitled Religion and Autobiography, taught by the amazing Fr. John Dunne. Although the class has been very inspirational, I couldn't get over one moment:

Fr. Dunne had mentioned his book: A Journey with God in Time, and how he believed this "journey" described life. But he had one past colleague who disagreed with him...saying, "That's where you're wrong, John. My life is not a journey with God, but a wrestling with God."

Since that moment, I've greatly resonated with the idea of wrestling with God...rebelling and following Him , loving and hating Him, seeking and running away from Him. Because God's Love is so strong, it makes Him vulnerable at times, and I can easily take advantage of that.

But sometimes, I have to realize how amazing this is. I'm not wrestling a brother, a roommate, a friend...

I'm Wrestling the Creator of the Universe.

I'm Wrestling Yahweh.

God Is Real

This is probably the hardest, and for the most part, will remain one of the hardest milestones for me personally.

I mean God is important...that's pretty easy to prove. I'm pretty sure that most atheists would even say that if God was real, He would be of the utmost importance. And it's also pretty easy to prove that God wants all of me...maybe not easy to accept, but it's not a surprise that He doesn't just want a part of you.

But it's hard to prove that God is real...personally speaking, I know I've put on my "Christian face" at times when I wasn't sure what my beliefs were. During that atheism period, for the most part, I wasn't very open about what I was thinking, and to most, I'm sure I appeared as a Christian. I just avoided talking about the subject.

Two weeks ago, I went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, and everything changed...

Standing within the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, a Franciscan priest who lived there gave us a very informative tour. To start off the tour, he said something that greatly convicted me:

"Friends, we are not here because this is place where a man by the name of Jesus was crucified. We are not here because this is the place where the body of a man recently crucified was anointed with oils and perfumes. And we are not here because this is the place where this same man was buried. These things are not hard to accept, and even many non-believers agree with them. We are here solely because we believe that a man by the name of Jesus, after being crucified, anointed, and buried, rose from the dead! We are here because we firmly believe that this man resurrected. Think about that while you are here."

We do not follow Christ because He helps us cope with suffering. We do not follow Christ because He brings us joy or comfort. We do not follow Christ because He was a compassionate being and was very moral. We follow Christ because we believe that He truly was the Son of God, and that He actually resurrected from the dead.

I'm not a Christian because it helps my life. I'm a Christian because it's true.

I'm a Christian because God is real.

So, God is real. Check.

God Wants All of Me

Almost a year and a half later, I had my "second milestone":

On October 7th, 2012, my off-campus church, Granger Community Church, had a Baptism weekend. GCC has baptism weekends twice a year...one in the fall and one shortly after Easter. Prior to this service, I had thought long and hard over whether or not I should get baptized. Already being baptized in the Catholic Church as an infant, what was the purpose of this baptism supposed to be?

To wash away all my past sins? My ticket to eternal salvation? I wasn't really sure. I ended up not signing up. Then I saw this video the weekend before the service, made by Jason Miller and the Creative Arts Team:


I realized that for me, this baptism wasn't for salvation...I didn't get anything from it. He got something from it...I was publicly declaring my faith, my desire to follow Christ, my promise to give up my life. That phrase is said so often, that over the many centuries, it's lost meaning. This means that Christ goes before us...that in every action, we should be glorifying Him, not ourselves.
We arrived at GCC and the service began...dozens of people prepared to be baptized. Shortly beforehand, we recited the Apostle's Creed as a full church, but we weren't just reciting it, we weren't even saying it...we were declaring it, announcing our proclamation of what we boldly believe. 
One by one, the pastors started baptizing believer after believer...tears poured down faces, as people announced their promise, their declaration...giving up their lives, handing them over to God, following God's will. Being put under the water and coming up as a new person, with a new beginning...knowing full well of the trials ahead, that they were not going to be perfect Christians. But...they knew that He was perfect.
And then I watched as 15-20 men in prison went up to be baptized...men trapped in cages because of past actions, allowed to come to the church for this special event...men declaring that their actions did not define them, and even with their actions, Christ still immensely loved them.
And then it happened...I wanted to get baptized. The pastor announced something along the lines of, "We're almost done, but even if you didn't plan on getting baptized...if you feel called by God, we'll welcome your decision with open arms...and if you're worried about you getting your clothes wet or your hair messed up, then you might want to rethink what God means to you."
I made the decision. I was going to do it. My close friend, Linsey, prayed over me and walked me up to the front....and I was baptized, along with dozens of believers:

The heavens did not open up...no dove came down from the sky...but this moment could not be more spiritual. A dying of the old and a birth of the new. For when we were baptized into Christ, we were baptized into His death. (Romans 6:3-4)
I walked back to my seat, tears in my eyes, receiving hugs from random people that I didn't know (well, didn't know at the time---turns out that a newlywed couple who now runs our home group were in the same row as me!). I stood shaking, part of me sad that this meant I could no longer chase after my desires, but a larger part of me full of Joy, knowing that I was His.
This call to walk with Christ...it's not an easy one to accept. And there's this myth going around that when you accept Christ, life becomes really easy...but as it is written, suffering is sure to come, and we now receive pleasure from Christ, not earthly things. I can't continue pursuing my dreams if they don't align with His Kingdom. My heart must become His Heart...my life, His Life....not just parts of it.
So, God Wants All of Me. Check.

God Is Important

There have been many different milestones in my life: birthdays, holidays, graduations, accomplishments...the list can go on and on, but there are a few different milestones that rank above all.

On April 9th, 2011, I attended a worship night at Stone Hill Bible Church. Aside from being a night of worship, Carolyn Twietmeyer from Project Hopeful spoke and gave her testimony, speaking about how God had affected her life, how she had adopted children with HIV/AIDS and sought to give them a life of true love, just like the True Love that she received from Christ. This night was after a few months of doubting my faith, after becoming an atheist for a short period of time, and after slowly developing a prayer life and attempting to realize who Christ actually was. And the words played in the back of my mind:

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." - C.S. Lewis

After years of being "lukewarm" in my faith, years of just going through the motions, I finally realized that this was a lot more important than I had previously thought.

So, God is important. Check.